Linda McHenry

Category: Did You Know?

  • Who Commits Insurance Fraud?

    Who Commits Insurance Fraud?

    With estimates of insurance fraud exceeding $300 billion annually, most insurance agents should be asking themselves Who commits insurance fraud? If we understand the profile of both victims and perpetrators, we can better help prevent this crime.

    Who Commits Insurance Fraud?

    Depending upon who you talk to, you’ll receive a different explanation of what fraud is … and what it looks like. Legally, different definitions apply based on whether federal or state law applies, and the specific circumstances.

    Generally, the following elements must be present for the crime of fraud to take place:

    • A person must deliberately make a false statement
    • That same person must have no concern for the well-being of the victim
    • The victim believes the false statement made by the fraudster
    • The victim decides and acts based on the belief that the false statement made by the fraudster is truthful
    • The victim suffers harm because he or she acted upon the belief in the fraudster’s false statement

    According to the Coalition Against Insurance Fraud, some of the most commonly committed types of insurance fraud include:

    • Agents and insurers stealing premiums or selling phony insurance coverage
    • Auto insurance scams such as deflating airbag schemes, staged car crashes, and cons committed by bandit tow truck drivers
    • Bereavement scams involving life insurance that prey on individuals suffering the loss of a loved one
    • Popular scams in the building trades include contractors who perform shoddy repairs and those who falsely claim to be licensed
    • Long-term care and Medicare scams that target older adults and vulnerable seniors
    • Workers’ compensation insurance invites a huge assortment of fraud in the form of fake injuries, malingering, and more
    Close-up of hands holding a sign with 'fraud', illuminated in blue light.

    The Association of Certified Fraud Examiners (ACFE) defines fraud as follows:

    “Fraud” is any activity that relies on deception in order to receive a gain. Fraud becomes a crime when it is a “knowing misrepresentation of the truth or concealment of a material fact to induce another to act to his or her detriment” (Black’s Law Dictionary).

    Experts categorize fraudulent acts as either hard or soft:

    When one or more individuals create an entirely fictitious scheme, they commit hard fraud. They craft the scam like a novel, with some schemes being complex and nuanced while others are amateurish. Staged auto accidents are the classic example of hard fraud in the insurance industry. For instance, fraudsters form a criminal network comprised of drivers, injured passengers, doctors, lawyers, tow truck drivers, and others. They choreograph the car crash and performed it in accordance with a script.

    Afterwards, the bad actors submit medical bills and other receipts to the insurance company seeking “reimbursement”  for actual, exaggerated, and phony injuries and damage. The fraud ring pays each participant dependent upon the role played in the scheme. Drivers and passengers receive the smallest amounts; doctors, lawyers, and ringleaders receive the greatest amounts.

    Soft fraud is an opportunistic act. It takes place organically when the fraudster stumbles upon a situation and takes advantage of it. One of the most popular forms of soft insurance fraud is known as padding. This crime takes place after a legitimate loss occurs and the claimant submits a claim. Then, the claimant inflates the value of the damage or adds items to the list of damaged or stolen property that were not actually damaged or stolen.

    The Victim and the Fraudster

    Profile of a Fraud Victim

    Most perpetrators of fraud seek personal gain. In many cases, they want money; however, they may also be looking to acquire property, power, or influence.

    Research shows that most fraudsters choose their victims carefully, and based on certain traits. Clearly, the type of fraud committed influences the selection process. A fraudster wanting to swindle an insurance company will exhibit different behaviors than an insurance agent wanting to con a client will.

    Generally speaking, fraudsters target victims in all age groups; however, they target people over age 50 are more often. Fraudsters view certain characteristics as favorable, such as being a risk-taker, impulsive, and inattentive. Possessing high levels of financial education and living with a chronic medical condition are also traits widely sought by fraudsters. In a majority of fraud cases, the victim actively participates in the crime, if unknowingly.

    Profile of a Fraudster

    The motive behind acts of fraud isn’t complex: Fraudsters simply want to receive a benefit. What sets them apart from the rest of us is that they’re willing to lie and break the law to get it.

    I’ll talk about how fraudsters go about committing their crimes in the next section. Before I do, I’d like you to know that the ACFE has conducted extensive research and study into not only fraud but also the people who commit it. Their Profile of a Fraudster cites data from more than 2,000 cases of fraud, including:

    You must be a member at the Insurance level to read the rest of this article. Joining is free. Click here to join.

  • No, It’s Not All About Price

    No, It’s Not All About Price

    The Fallacy of “It’s All About Price”

    When a client states he can only spend $500, the subject is not all about price.

    Oh, that’s what most people think the topic of conversation is. But it’s not.

    I’m here to explain why people honestly and sincerely believe in this fallacy. I’m going to show you how you can accept your clients’ objections about price and also explain  what the real topic of conversation is.

    The word 'VALUE' in bold letters on a textured pink background.

    It’s Not All About Price, It’s Really About Value

    I had the “it’s all about price” conversation last week during an insurance class I taught. Many students insisted their clients refuse to listen to advice about what policy or coverage to buy. They swore their clients simply want to purchase the least expensive policy available.

    I believe that’s how the conversation often goes between these agents and their clients. I just don’t believe their clients really mean what they’re saying. When agents buy into this scenario, they’re actually handicapping themselves and their clients.

    This story plays itself out in every business industry and consists of two foundational elements:

    1. People who don’t understand what they’re buying focus on what they are familiar with: cost.
    2. People who don’t know how to sell value have only one commodity to offer: price.

    People who focus on price
    do not understand The value a product holds.
    This is true of both the buyer and the seller!

    If a client says, “I can’t spend more than $500 a year,” we should accept and respect that statement. I don’t advocate for pressuring clients to spend more money than they have or are comfortable spending.

    Some clients do truly have financial constraints. And you know what? Their financial situation is theirs. We’re not responsible for advising them about how to manage their money.

    It’s our job to offer them the product that best meets their stated needs. It’s their job to state their needs and make the final decisions. In a sense, we’re professional matchmakers. We show clients the value in what they’re buying and help them spend their money wisely by matching a product to their needs.

    Extolling the virtues of the product–whether it’s an insurance policy or a refrigerator–is NOT the best way to go. That’s telling, not showing.

    Here’s a blog post I wrote that provides the details about Why Selling Based on Price is a Bad Idea.

    Ask the Crucial Question

    The best way to determine value is to allow the customer to do so. You can get the ball rolling by asking a single question:

    What do you want to spend your $500 on?

    I promise, it’s better for the client to realize on his own that he can’t answer the question because he doesn’t understand how the policy works. Much better than you spouting your superior knowledge and him feeling … inferior.

    How will the client respond? With a deer-in-the-headlights look. Complete silence. Befuddlement. Or in a similar fashion–generally without words.

    Why will he be so surprised? Because he’ll expect you to argue with him. To tell him he has to spend more than $500 to get a good policy. Or, at the very least, he’ll envision you jabbering insurance jargon.

    In his wildest dreams, he will not suspect  you’ll make him and what he wants the topic of conversation.

    This eye-opener is the first step toward establishing value. You show the client you not only know how to listen, you also do it. Which means you care. Caring is value.

    Next, the client will realize you just put him in the driver’s seat. More proof that you care. More value.

    Although he’ll be driving, your client won’t know where to go. He’ll need you to navigate for him. So, he’ll say something like: Huh? What does that mean? or I don’t understand. A wiseguy, or someone who’s defensive might say: What the hell are you talking about?

    Regardless, any of these responses launches you into the second step toward establishing value.

    What Does Your Client Value?

    In many cases, your client won’t have a clue about what he wants, needs, or holds dear. This is especially true when clients buy insurance because they’re forced to do so. Like by a mortgage company, the state workers’ compensation laws, or a fearful spouse.

    Here are two non-insurance situations that clearly show how people value products differently.

    #1.

    Let’s say a brand-new smartphone costs $1,000 and is on sale for $500. One woman might think both prices are too high because she seldom uses her phone. She’ll opt for an entirely different model that costs $400.

    Another woman might grab the phone that’s on sale, thrilled to take advantage of the 50% discount.

    A third woman might not like the requirement to opt-in to a three-year contract to get the 50% discount. Instead, she’ll pay $1,200 upfront to buy a different model without a contract.

    #2.

    Assume the cost difference between a case of 1-ply and ultra soft toilet paper is $10. Most people will happily pay the extra money to pat their bottoms with clouds rather than sandpaper. However, a fellow with septic problems will tolerate the sandpaper if it helps him postpone having to install a new  system that’ll cost him a minimum of $25,000.

    Let’s get back to the critical question: What do you want to spend your $$ on?

    Once your client finally answers the question, you say something along the lines of:

    Insurance policies pay for certain types of claims. First, give me a list of the claims you want the policy to pay for. Next, I’ll tell you what coverages will pay for those claims, and I’ll give you the associated costs. Then, you tell me what coverages you want to spend your $500 on.

    In some cases, $500 will be more than enough to cover the cost of what the client wants. If so, it’s a win-win: client gets what he wants and agent makes a sale to a satisfied customer.

    In other cases, $500  won’t be nearly enough. If so, the agent can make this into a win-win for everyone by letting the client figure things out for himself.

    Let the client prioritize the types of claims he wants to be covered. Let the client consider different amounts of coverage to raise or lower the associated costs. If he sees no value in a coverage or feature, he’ll kiss it goodbye. If he finds value in a particular coverage, he’ll be willing to spend more money.

    Unless he doesn’t have the money. Admittedly, this happens. And in certain economies it happens a lot more than at other times. However, in my experience, it occurs far less often than not understanding value does.

    Clearly, this is a simplified explanation. For a more detailed illustration about how to help clients determine value, check out What Do Clients Want?

    Elderly couple with consultant giving thumbs up in an office setting, showcasing positive interaction.

    No, It’s Not All About Price

    We tend to make quick judgments about our clients and their needs. Here’s a final, classic example to illustrate my point:

    The agent is writing auto insurance for his client, a family that consists of father, mother, and adult daughter. Each family member owns and insures his/her own vehicle on a separate policy.

    When discussing the available coverages, the agent assumes Rental Reimbursement Coverage isn’t necessary. Why? Because if one of the vehicles becomes undrivable, the family still has two vehicles that are. Therefore, the agent suggests each family member save $50 per year (a total of $150) by NOT purchasing this coverage.

    The problem: The agent assumed the clients’ primary concern is money rather than asking what their needs and priorities are. A family’s collective ownership of three vehicles does not automatically equate to all three vehicles being available whenever a family member needs a car.

    Mom’s car may be used to commute back and forth to work … at a location 40 miles from home.

    Dad’s car may have a standard transmission, and he’s the only family member who can drive a stick shift.

    The daughter may be a single mother of three children under age five who absolutely MUST have a car available at all times.

    Maybe the parents are retired and all too willing to let their daughter use one of their vehicles if hers is totaled in a car accident.

    Regardless, our clients should decide what their needs are … and what value they place in the products we help them choose to buy. Because no, Virginia, it’s not all about price.

    Feel free to share your comments and viewpoints below.

  • Tips for Creating Memorable Fictional Characters

    Tips for Creating Memorable Fictional Characters

    If we writers had crystal balls, we’d have no problem creating memorable fictional characters. Especially when writing short stories and flash fiction.

    But how do I, as a woman, actually know what a guy thinks or feels? Yes, men and women are both human and share many similarities … but, let’s face it, everyone knows they’re different, too.

    In this blog post, I share some of what I learned during the process of co-writing a mystery novel with my friend Herb, and from collecting the opinions of numerous writers over the years.

    Creating Memorable Fictional Characters
    Image by Omar Medina from Pixabay

    Creating Memorable Fictional Characters

    They say to write what you know. But what do I know about being a guy? Or what goes on in the minds of men?

    Another challenge I’ve faced throughout my writing career is to create characters who don’t sound just like me. That challenge is magnified when I’m writing male characters.

    Cowriting with my buddy Herb is, without a doubt, one of the best learning experiences of my writing career. During our collaboration co-authoring a mystery, and throughout the process of critiquing each other’s’ works-in-progress (WIPs), he’s given me insights I wouldn’t have had on my own.

    In short, each of us wrote from the point of view (POV) of specific characters in the book—both male and female. Because each of us has a different background (me with insurance and he with law enforcement and the military), we were able to provide further insight into how our characters would/should behave and talk.

    Quick Quiz

    Can you tell which character (Karl and Stephanie) spoke each of the following lines of dialogu?

    Line 1

    Ed’s boat went down in a storm three days ago. He’s–he’s–gone.”

    Line 2

    Gone? Ed? Three days ago?

    I’ll bet you could. Line 1 is Stephanie and Line 2 is Karl. Read on to learn some of the characteristics that set male and female characters apart.

    Image by 🌸♡💙♡🌸 Julita 🌸♡💙♡🌸 from Pixabay

    The Differences Between Men and Women

    In the controversial but fascinating book, Dangerous Men and Adventurous Women, more than a dozen best-selling romance writers spell out many of the differences they note between men and women. I agree with the perspectives of many of these writers. Specifically, with respect to the manner in which men and women speak, I’ve learned and observed the following generalizations:

    • Although everyone will tell you that women talk more than men do, this isn’t always the case. In fact, a study shows it’s only true in a certain age group.
    • Women ask more questions than men do.
    • Men interrupt more often than women do.
    • Women tend to be specific and men tend to be vague. Just ask a woman and a man what color that dress is. The woman will say mauve and the man will say pink. Or purple.
    • Men are more apt to give orders and women are more apt to make suggestions.

    So, you may be wondering, what does this have to do with creating memorable fictional characters? We need to focus on these differences and incorporate them into our characters’ dialogue and behavior.

    Photo by Susan Holt Simpson on Unsplash

    Devices for Creating Characters

    One tool I’ve found useful is to maintain a spreadsheet or chart of the characters in the story or book I’m writing. In it, I list unique manners of speaking and traits for each character while ensuring that no two characters share the same physical gestures, buzz words, etc.

    In the book I’m writing now, Allie is my lead character. She tends to use long, flowing sentences and think deeply. I don’t allow any other characters to use certain words and phrases that she does, such as:

    • Still, though, given, sure, ditto, yep, nope, nah
    • In fact, no kidding, then again

    Willa, a secondary character, speaks and thinks in shorter, more direct sentences. She’s the only character who uses the following words and phrases:

    • Yes!, despite, now, sweetie, however
    • On the other hand, bit my tongue

    I also make sure that when Allie describes people and objects, and just generally inside her head, she uses words and connections with sound and smell. (She’s auditory.) On the other hand, Willa’s awareness is primarily visual. However, they both have a connection with scent that runs through the story.

    Why Showing Differences is Important

    By using separate and distinct qualities and manners of speaking, it’s easier for the reader to (a) identify which character is speaking, and (b) identify with the character herself. By allowing the characters to share a similar trait, I’m able to subtly build the connection between the two women.

    One of the best strategies I use when writing from a male perspective is to ensure that much of the character’s conversation and internal thought is short and to the point. I’ve found that men tend to use less description in their talk, less reference to emotion, and fewer words.

    Here are some examples from Death Benefits, the book Herb and I wrote together. Note how the male and female characters speak differently. See if you can guess which of us wrote which excerpt.

    Excerpt 1

    “Glad to meet you, Mrs. Tito. Um, Stephanie. I’m Karl, Ed’s friend, and I’m in town now. Is Ed home?”

    “Karl?”

    “Yeah, Karl Stryker. Ed’s Army buddy. I want to come by and shoot the … meet up with Ed.”

    After a long pause, the woman wpoke very softly. “You haven’t heard.”

    “Heard what?”

    “Ed’s boat went down in a storm three days ago. He’s–he’s–gone.”

    “Gone? Ed? Three days ago?”

    Excerpt 2

    Manny pulled a notebook from his jacket pocket. “What does this guy look like?”

    She closed her eyes. “Late thirties? Longish blond hair, blue eyes, and clean-shaven. Moved like an athlete. Had a nice, open smile.”

    He could always count on Ann for the details. “How tall?”

    She opened her eyes and grinned. “Taller than me, shorter than you.”

    “Ann.”

    “My eyes were level with the crooked knot of his tie.”

    Creating Memorable Fictional Characters

    To sum up, here’s a chart that contrasts many of the ways in which men and women behave and speak differently. Of course, these are generalizations and each individual man and woman will behave uniquely.

    MENWOMEN
    Find life to be a competitionFind life to be a cooperative effort
    Socialize with other men to DO things togetherSocialze with other women to talk about their FEELINGS and thoughts
    Make decisions about what they plan to do; seldom offer explanationsSay what they want to do and offer the reasons why
    Make statements (they’re direct) *Ask questions and make suggestions (they’re indirect)
    Body language isn’t always congruent with what they’re thking and feeling (e.g., they’ll avoid eye contact or turn away when emotional)Body language usually congruent with how they’re thiking and feeling (e.g., they’ll cry or talk when emotional)
    Seldom initiate or choose to discuss their emotionsOften enjoy and invite emotional conversation
    Learn how they feel by thinkingLearn how they feel by talking
    Interrupt *Take turns
    Ask questions to obtain details and information *Ask questions to continue talking
    Vague (the color is blue)Specific (the color is indigo)
    Rarely use other people’s names in conversationOften use other people’s names in conversation.

    FYI, I inserted an asterisk [*] in the Male column above to show traits I share with most men. Also, FYI, all the Female traits apply to me!

    Share your thoughts below and/or feel free to add your suggestions for additions to the list!

  • Why Selling Based On Price is a Bad Idea

    Why Selling Based On Price is a Bad Idea

    Why Selling on Price is a Bad Idea

    Countless salespeople insist that selling based on price is the only way to go. They believe money is the primary basis upon which customers make purchases. And they believe that if they don’t offer the lowest price in the marketplace–or darned close to it–they’re never going to succeed.

    I don’t agree. And in this article I share not only why selling based on price is a bad idea but also what a better alternative is.

    Don’t feel you have to take my word for it, either. Read any of the books written by Jeffrey Gitomer, such as The Sales Bible, The Little Red Book of Selling, and The Little Red Book of Sales Answers. Or check out Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.

    The Mindset

    When customers or prospects tell you they’re only interested in buying at the lowest, most competitive price, or if they state the maximum dollar amount they’ll consider spending, everyone’s focus zooms to money. The individual immediately takes control of the negotiation–but only if the salesperson buys into the mindset.

    Understanding that price without context has no value changes the dynamic and actually allows the salesperson to take control. So, what does this phrase mean? Let me explain your customer’s mindset. He tells you:

    • I need a refrigerator
    • I don’t want to (or can’t) spend more than $500

    On the surface, the customer’s focus is on his budget, which is fiscally sound behavior. But his focus doesn’t take into consideration anything else, such as how he values a refrigerator. Every customer values the product or service being purchased, regardless of his budget.

    Let’s say you only have two refrigerators for sale under $1,000. The older, used fridge has a price tag of $250. It’s in good shape mechanically but it’s old and faded and a bit beat up. You also have a brand-new fridge that normally has a price tag of $1,200. However, because of serious exterior scratching and an ice-maker that doesn’t function, you’re offering it at half-price, or $600.

    If you’re just an order-taker, you offer your customer the “cheaper” product. But if you’re a true salesperson, you know that’s a bad idea. Why? Because you don’t know what the customer expects any refrigerator to do for him or why he wants to buy one.

    Determining Value

    Why did the customer come to your appliance store? He could have shopped online and made a purchase without the interaction of a salesperson. Yet he came to you.

    Why?

    Because he wants your help. Ask questions–this is the first way you can provide assistance and show that you find the customer important (i.e., he’s valued). Questions like:

    • Why are you in the market for a fridge?
    • Aside from having a budget of $500, what are your requirements and needs:
      • What size does the refrigerator need to be? There’s no point in considering fridges that won’t fit in the space at home.
      • Do you want a new or used refrigerator?
      • What particular features do you want, or not want?
    • What else should I know?

    Then, when you listen to the answers, you reinforce your concern for the customer and his needs. When he gives you his answers (in other words, he states his needs and wishes), you restate them and explain about supply and demand. How appliances in his price range are few and far between in the current economy. However, you do have two refrigerators that cost less than $1,000.

    You then describe both items and let him determine the value he finds in each appliance.

    • If the older, less expensive fridge is too large for the customer’s space, it holds $0 value regardless of the price tag. Ditto for the the new, more costly appliance.
    • Is the customer bothered by the condition of the older, smaller fridge or the scratches, dents, and broken ice maker on the new one? Some people find no value in secondhand items. Other people find no value in “damaged goods.” What value does your customer find in each of these two refrigerators?
    • Although the brand-new fridge costs $100 more than the man’s stated budget, the customer may find that a brand-new refrigerator, even with scratches, dents, and an inoperative ice maker, justifies spending $100 more than he’d originally intended. On the other hand, the $250 fridge must just be what he’s looking for. (Not to mention the $250 cash in his pocket after he buys it!)

    Context is Everything

    Remember: Price untethered to value has no context.

    Said a different way: Price alone is just a number. It holds no meaning and no value … unless it’s associated with something else. That’s why selling based on price is a bad idea.

    Over the years, many people met with me to discuss buying insurance. Some stated a budget upfront; most didn’t. For either type of customer, I could easily have picked random coverages out of thin air, along with random amounts of insurance, and then shown them a quote. Which would have illustrated price untethered to value.

    Instead, I showed them a quote with all the coverages that were available at the highest amounts of insurance. Again, price untethered to value.

    Yes, some people choked. And yes, others were stunned speechless. Which worked fine for me. I filled the silence by explaining that I knew nothing about them. Not about who they were, why they wanted to buy insurance, or what they wanted their policy to do for them. But I wanted to know.

    I also explained that because my goal was to do the best job I could, I was offering them the most comprehensive insurance policy at the highest amount of coverage available. I showed them they were important to me.

    Then, I asked them to give me a few minutes to tell me what they didn’t want and we removed the coverages and features that held no value to them. At the end of the process, my customers arrived at a price that met their needs because they determined the price themselves–and it was always based on value THEY identified THEMSELVES.

    This very same process works in connection with all types of sales, in all industries, by all salespeople.

    During any negotiation, customers prefer seeing the cost of any purchase go down rather than up. They also prefer having control.

    I say: give it to them! Give them all the information that’s available and let them toss away what they decide isn’t worth their money.

    Why Selling Based on Price is a Bad Idea

    In a negotiation, the first person who mentions price loses.Why? Because that individual isn’t focused on the what or the why or the how. In other words, what the product can do for the buyer, why the buyer needs it, and how everything works.

    • Customers seek out salespeople because they need help. They lack the product knowledge we have, the technical skill we’ve acquired, and certain abilities that only professionals in our field possess.
    • During the negitiation process, customers are at a disadvantage … and they know it. Whether consciously or unconsciously, when they toss out a price requirement they do so in an attempt to control both the narrative and the outcome.
    • Acknowledging a customer’s price requirements and then setting them aside temporarily to discuss value reinforces a salesperson’s ability and desire to help. Especially when the salesperson shows ALL the products/services that are available and encourages the customer to make ALL the decisions.
    • When salespeople hop on board with only discussing price, they dismiss value … and genuine conversations about value.

    Will you run across customers who simply won’t budge from a stated price-point? Absolutely. When that happens, you need to decide if you’ll sell to them based solely on price … or not.

    I won’t … because those customers aren’t interested in how I can help them. They’re not interested in context or value–the what, why, and how. They’re only interested in placing an order.

    Unfortunately for them, I’m not an order-taker; I’m a professional who offers value.

    Which are you?

  • Love is Blind … Yes or No?

    Love is Blind … Yes or No?

    I’ve heard the phrase, “Love is blind,” ever since I was a child. For the novel I’m currently writing, I’m exploring the concept because one of my characters believes that if you really love someone, you’ll do anything for that person.

    When I began crafting my characters and plot, I conducted research on the topic. As always, my research had me recognizing some facts about myself … and feeling much better about some of the dumber relationship mistakes I’ve made.

    So, here’s what a handful of scientists and mental health professionals have to say about whether love is blind.

    It’s All About Brain Chemistry

    When we fall in love (or in lust), our bodies go nuts. Especially our brains. Hormones and brain chemicals conspire to interfere with our common sense. They camouflage what really exists and sometimes prompt us to behave in ways we wouldn’t in the absence of all that romance (or lust).

    Thomas Sherman, a noted biochemist and professor at Georgetown University, has said that romantic love subdues the “neural activity associated with critical social assessment of others.” In other words, love makes us believe our lovers are more virtuous and less weak than other people might believe. Love makes us view our lovers through the lens of positivity rather than negativity.

    And it’s not that we twist negative reality or refuse to see weaknesses. It’s simply that when we see them, we don’t think they’re meaningful. I don’t remember who used the phrase but somewhere in my research one of the authors explained the phenomenon as us wearing rose-colored glasses during the early stages of love instead of magnifying glasses.

    A great example involves how we actually see our lovers. How our minds process the tangibles (cognition) and how reach final conclusions (evaluation). Let’s say Jane is greatly attracted to and loves her boyfriend John. When asked to “rate” his handsomeness in both appearance and attractiveness, she says:

    • His appearance, on a scale of 1 to 10, is a 6
    • His attractiveness, on a scale of 1 to 5, is a 4

    Because Jane loves John more for his intelligence and sense of humor than his looks, she rates him higher than an objective observer would. Others, those who like but are not in love with John, would rate him a 3 or 4 in appearance and 2 in attractiveness.

    Our brains actually shut down their logic receptors when we’re in love, which allows us to focus more on our lovers’ positive qualities than on their negative characteristics. In effect, we’re anesthetized to the behaviors that will drive us nuts later on in the relationship.

    Brain Chemicals Behind the “Love is Blind” Phenomenon

    Brain chemicals affect lust, attraction, and attachment. We’ve all felt lust. It’s our estrogen and testosterone that get that ball rolling.

    Attraction is all about enthusiasm, energy, craving and—sometimes—obsession. Three brain chemicals are responsible for these responses:

    • Dopamine regulates our reward centers, motivation, sense of novelty, and directs our goals.
    • Norepinephrine increases our energy, decreases our appetite, races our hearts, and reduces our need for sleep.
    • Serotonin regulates our mood, sleep, appetite, and cognitive functions. It has a tendency to depress and decrease and is responsible for love-related obsession.

    Scientists and psychologists say that, on average, commitment becomes very important in true love relationships about four years in. Commitment can include monogamy, cohabitation, and/or marriage. At this time, the level of dopamine in the brain drops and is replaced by either oxytocin (in women) or vasopressin (in men).

    • Oxytocin is released during childbirth and breastfeeding. It supports the mother-child bonding, pair bonding, and empathy in women.
    • Vasopressin makes a male want to bond with a mate and is responsible for territorial aggression. It’s what makes many men so protective of their girlfriends, wives, and families. However, in most males who are not interested in or capable of pair bonding, it’s been found they have lower than normal levels of vasopressin.

    Other Factors that Support the Love is Blind Concept

    Sherman has also said that “love begins as a stressor then becomes a buffer against the stress.” Love activates the brain’s reward centers. Cortisol increases one’s awareness which, in turn, offsets the stress response. And, of course, dopamine heightens pleasure.

    We’ve all heard the phrases, “love at first sight,” “the One,” and the “halo effect.” Pesky brain chemicals are the culprits here, as well. Love at first sight is most likely a combination of lust/physical attraction and projection—seeing in others what we’re feeling/thinking ourselves. When we’re looking for our soulmate, that’s who we think we’re seeing in this gorgeous, wonderful person. Voilá: The One. The halo effect, what my mother used to call my rose-colored glasses, is believing someone is wonderful simply because we find them attractive. (Don’t we expect the murderer to be ugly and the leading man to be gorgeous?)

    A Final Word

    In short, it’s biology–nature’s attempt to propagate the species–that set our hormones and brain chemicals in motion when we fall in lust. The emotions of true love are an entirely different matter. Few creatures in the wild mate for life.

    It’s shared experiences that help build love after the brain chemicals fade. And keep in mind: communication and communication styles can either make or break a relationship. The signs of true love and a healthy romantic relationship include:

    • Deep emotional intimacy
    • Trust
    • Mutual support and respect
    • Self-awareness
    • Choosing to love the entire, flawed person
    • A balance between individuality and togetherness
    • Belief that love is a journey and not a destination

    Resources

    Here are links to a couple of articles to get you thinking:

    When I consider the above list, I now know why those past relationships of mine didn’t work. What are your thoughts?