5 Reasons Why I Hate Halloween

Call me a killjoy, everyone else does. But first, listen to the reasons why I hate Halloween:

Why I Hate Halloween: Reason #1

Candy. I’m not a fan.

Especially once I saw the little crispy rice thingies in the Nestles crunch bar moving. Talk about disgusting. I’ll bet a cheapskate had some leftover candy the previous Halloween and “forgot” to look at the expiration date.

Reason #2

The dark. It scares me.

Probably because of the creepy-crawlies that populate the night, like the ones my brothers told me about when we were kids. The snake that lives under the bed and wraps itself around your arms and legs if you let them hang off the mattress. The gnome who lives in the crawlspace and comes out after you go to sleep. Unless you make sure the case your parents’ 78 records are in is sitting right on top of the hatch to the crawlspace.

Reason #3

Costumes. They never come with good shoes.

The one and only costume I ever enjoyed was the princess dress in … second grade, I think. It came accessorized with a genuine tiara and glass shoes! Okay, so the diamonds were really rhinestones, and the glass heels were really made of clear plastic. Seriously, though, I’ve never found another costume like that one. Never.

Reason #4

Trick-or-treating. Refer to Reason #2.

If this foolish activity were conducted at dawn instead of dusk (I’m a morning person), I might have a completely different take on Halloween. But it doesn’t. Because I don’t do the candy-begging thing, I stay home when Michael takes the grandkids around. This year, my sidekick for the past ten Halloweens (a big black cat named Murphy) is doing his thing in heaven, so I’ll be working solo answering the ringing doorbell. It’s tough to read a good book when you’re interrupted every four-and-a-half minutes by squealing goblins.

Final Reason Why I Hate Halloween

Black. Orange.

I don’t care what anyone else says, these two colors simply do NOT go together.

RIP, Murph

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