Meanderings

What Comes First – Thanksgiving or Christmas?

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Once and for all, someone … okay me … needs to answer the question: What comes first, Christmas or Thanksgiving?

What Comes First?

Yes, if we list the two holidays in ABC order, Christmas comes first. But if we look at the calendar, Christmas doesn’t. Aside from chronology, several excellent reasons exist to remind us (and retailers) that the Christmas caboose belongs at the end of the annual holiday train.

When we begin hyping Christmas before Thanksgiving (or, God forbid, Halloween), we gyp ourselves of the thoughtful, mindful period during which we can look back over the previous months and take stock. What went well? What didn’t go as planned? What will we do differently in the future? What will we avoid doing? And, most importantly, what are we grateful for?

When we allow negative thoughts to sour our souls and dispositions to the point that we need a chubby guy in a red suit with a herd of caribou to cheer us up, something is definitely wrong. We dilute the spirit of what Christmas is truly about by starting early. Then there’s the issue of what Christmas means to Christians, which I am. That’s a consideration for me. But, because you may not be Christian, I won’t go there.

I think we use the presents and other Ho-Ho-Ho stuff to extend the Christmas season, not to emphasize the specialness of it. And by extending Christmas at the front end, the Thanksgiving season has been effectively reduced to a single day (or, for some of us, a four-day weekend).

Thanksgiving?

In the fall, I appreciate the way the world slows down and warms up. It’s the autumn season that truly celebrates warmth, not the summer. Summer is about fire and sparkle. Autumn is about slowing down and wringing every last drop out of the world. We send the clock backward so we can enjoy one more hour of daylight each day. Instead of tossing steaks and burgers on the grill on Sunday afternoons, we hunker down and roast hams or turkeys. We start using our fireplaces for their intended purpose rather than just for display.

Both my parents have passed, and I miss them just as much as I’m thankful for them. That’s probably why Thanksgiving is so important to me. In fact, when I moved into their home and placed my stamp on it, I chose my mother’s favorite room for my office. After the remodel, the dining room’s chandelier is absent, as are the big family table and the china teacup collection. But every day–especially in November (which was also Mom’s birthday month)–this room echoes with the memories of Dad’s homemade turkey gravy, Mom’s store-bought pumpkin pie, and arguing over who would sit at the kid’s table in the kitchen instead of with the grownups in the dining room.

Christmas?

I understand the appeal of the Christmas season. For example, my nephew’s wife is a big fan of Christmas–she’d celebrate it all year if she could. Her philosophy is that the season makes her happy and there’s nothing wrong with doing what makes you, and your family, happy. She loves the colorful lights and decorations, the way her kids get excited at the prospect of family traditions and get-togethers, and the way other people are much more friendly and accommodating at this time of year. So, yes, I get her perspective, too. I’m all for doing what makes you happy.

So, I’ve talked myself in a complete circle. What was the question again?

What comes first, Christmas or Thanksgiving?

I guess the chronological date, the looking back before we can move forward, and the spirit that lives inside us is what comes first. Maybe I, in my own way, begin celebrating the true spirit of Christmas in November … and just call it Thanksgiving.

Words Better Left Unsaid: Do You Know What They Are?

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The Words

I began hosting The Writer’s Voice podcast nearly a year ago. In each episode, I chat with one or more writers about the craft of writing, the process of writing, and books. I also attempt to draw out the true personality of my guests so listeners get a glimpse of the person behind the writer. This week, the podcast’s editor, Mike Royer, suggested that when writers plan what they’re going to say in advance of each episode they should also focus on … words better left unsaid.

Not only does he edit the audio and video for each podcast and its trailers, he is also a highly auditory person. In other words, he focuses on the music of the words my guests and I speak. According to Mike, attending to the words better left unsaid is the favorite part of his job. He has told me this before. Many times. In many different ways. For some reason, I never got it.

So, this week, he showed me.

The Sounds

Showing versus telling is a concept we writers learn early on in our careers. The concept is pounded into our heads over and over at writing workshops, during conferences, and in how-to books. We also learn to read our work aloud, especially the dialogue, to ensure the rhythm of the words, and the cadence and pacing, sounds right.

Until recently, I didn’t understand that we writers need to follow these same rules when we appear in public, participate in marketing events, and–yes, host or appear on a podcast. I also learned that showing how not to do something is equally as important as showing how to actually do it.

The Words Better Left Unsaid

When you hear the music of words better left unsaid, you’ll understand exactly what I mean … just listen!

Outtakes 1

Stay tuned for more outtakes – some of them are really funny!

If you’d like to learn more about The Writer’s Voice podcast, see past writers who appeared, or find links to listen, watch the YouTube trailers, or request a guest spot, click here.

Missing My Parents

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Show my parents at their 40th anniversary party

50 years ago today I moved into the house where I’m living now. This anniversary is poignant and I’m missing my parents.

I was 14 years old when my family moved here and it was my parents’ “new” house. I knew I’d never see my friends again (we moved 30 miles) and I thought my life was over. (True to the friends part, false to the life being over part.)

Well, my parents are gone but the house is here and it is “new” once again. Life took me on some wild rides and deposited me at an unexpected destination. I’m missing my parents, but find much comfort in being in their home. It’s redecorated (no more flowered wallpaper, thank goodness!) and reflects my personality. But I kept one item in each room that belonged to one or both of my parents.

My parents’ presence remains, emotionally and physically. Appreciate your parents. They might not be perfect, but they’re far more important to you than you could possibly imagine.

P.S. Before (Mom’s dining room) and after (my office). If you ever attend one of my webinars (or a Zoom call) you’ll see her bookcases in the background.

Winning and Losing–and Temper Tantrums

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Even if your parents didn’t teach you anything about winning and losing , when you attended school you learned:

Winning and Losing: What not to do…

  1. Lying on the ground, stomping your feet, and wailing at the top of your voice was a lousy, ineffective blackmail scheme.
  2. Punching Johnny in the nose because he made fun of the way you swung the baseball bat was a better way of being benched than becoming a home run hitter.
  3. Badmouthing those who weren’t as smart and talented you were did not earn you the spot as most popular. In fact, it didn’t earn you any spot on the Most Mentionables.

I only tried #1, above, once. FYI, pulling it in the grocery store and watching my mother scoot down the aisle and pretend I wasn’t her 5-year-old was both illuminating and humbling.

Life’s Lessons about Winning and Losing

Life teaches us many lessons, many of which are repeated often throughout our lifetimes. One of those lessons is this: we can’t always have what we want. When we can’t get what we want, we have several choices, among them:

  • Keep doing what we’re doing, without changing our methods or attitude.
  • Change our methods of trying to achieve what we want.
  • Change our attitude and accept that we can’t have what we want–either in this moment, or ever.

We should keep these lessons and choices in mind as the national political process progresses. No matter the outcome of this year’s presidential election, some people will feel they’ve won and others will feel they’ve lost.

In reality, none of us will truly lose and some of us surely will not get what we want. Always remember that life is a cycle. Spring turns into summer, fall transitions into winter. Presidents come and go.

We can stomp our feet, wail in grief, attack the people who did get what they want. We can use our words to spew our disappointment disrespectfully. In the long run, though, childish behavior won’t make anyone feel better. It certainly won’t change the fact that we didn’t get what we wanted.

Moving forward…

I hope and pray that we, as a country and as individuals, can move forward without focusing on winning and losing after the election is decided. I hope that if we feel we “won,” we can do so without gloating. I hope that if we feel we “lost,” we can do so without exhibiting spiteful behavior.

I also hope and pray that we will begin working together.

It is impossible for a country with more than 300 million people to have unanimous consent. But it is possible for us to all act like grownups and do what we can to make our lives, and this country, better. If we are unable to make changes in this cycle, we always have another opportunity to so in the next cycle.

Perspectives about Your Parents

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Dad and me.

Today is Dad’s birthday. The ache of missing him competes with all the memories, the laughter, the certainty that no matter what–he was always there for me. What are your perspectives about your parents?

When We’re Kids

Of course, in the way of children, I wish the way he’d been there for me had fallen more in line with MY wishes.

And that’s how it is with kids. They think the world revolves around them. They think they should always be the first thing their parents think about when they wake in the morning and the last image they see before falling asleep at night. For the most part, parents do just that.

The reason parents don’t put their kids first all the time is because they’re not perfect. They have blind spots. Their own hopes and wishes. Histories and secrets they don’t share. Stuff they wouldn’t ever consider sharing with their children. Why? Because they want to protect and keep them safe. Even if it puts them in a bad light.

Relationship Perspectives

I look back on my relationship with my father as having occurred in three distinct phases. The first was that of a child and it was the longest period. It ended when my mother died 22 years ago. Until then, he was the autocratic parent and even though I was 42-years-old when my mother passed away (Dad was 68), I believe he still saw me as a child who needed his guidance.

Without my mother serving as a buffer, Dad and I found ourselves on new footing. We became friends, I think. We both missed Mom so much we wound up filling some of that void in each other. I saw more of his softer, vulnerable side as he learned to reach out to others.

Dad underwent bypass surgery at age 79. That event, more than anything, reshaped and redefined our relationship. Not only did the experience alter much of his perspective on life, it altered mine. He learned that he could trust me to put him and his welfare first. I learned things about Dad I’d never known–mostly events that happened to him as a small child. How the influence of his parents affected him. What monsters slept beneath his bed.

Life-changing Events

My life was never the same after that 10-day period I spent nursing him back to good health. For a short time, while I listened to him ramble, and cry, and share some of his innermost secrets, I was able to view life through the lenses of his glasses.

Without asking a single question, I simply listened. At last, I reached the perfect understanding about what had prompted him to be the person he was. I learned why he’d behaved and spoken as he had. I recognized that he–like me–was the child of his parents. The child of unfulfilled hopes, unrealized dreams … and actual fears. The child who’d wished his parents had been different but who loved them anyway.

Perspectives about Your Parents

That’s the thing about perspectives. They’re different. They originate from different places and angle themselves in different directions. So, think about it again. What are your perspectives about your parents? Have they changed? Remained the same? Why? Why not?

I’ve learned that even when our perspectives change, they don’t change the fact that regardless of who we are, where we come from, and what hurts us–we’re all much more alike than we are different.

Happy Birthday, Dad. I miss you, but I love you more.